I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
