I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
