The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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