i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
