my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
