Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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