come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
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He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize