our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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