Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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