If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
