Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
