he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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