I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
