This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
