I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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