I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
