a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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