...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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