i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
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Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
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Just pee around me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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