I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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