So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
