When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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