I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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