First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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