I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
