So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
