If that was your dad, he is hot
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Pants are for mortals
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