I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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