I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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