Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
