Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
