just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
