i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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