There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
