New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
