My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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