yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
