New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
