Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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