he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
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I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
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I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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