She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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