she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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