i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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