I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
