Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so that wasnt chicken after all
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
