i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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