They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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