I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
