the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
