Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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