Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
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Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
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did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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