It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
