Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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