I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
