If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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