Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
