Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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