where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
